Before hastily judging a marital relationship as dead or toxic and before giving up on trying to fix it, which is not impossible if the intentions are sincere, both parties should exert every effort to save the home they built together, filled with hope for a stable life. Despite these positive beginnings, we must recognize that marital conflicts have become alarmingly common worldwide.
According to detailed statistics published by the National Organization for Domestic Violence in the United Kingdom, the year 2022 alone saw 2.4 million people subjected to domestic violence, including 1.7 million women and about 700,000 men. The police reported over 1.5 million incidents and crimes related to domestic violence, representing a 7.7% increase from the previous year. The statistics also indicate that women are more likely to experience repeated domestic violence and face injury or death in the worst scenarios.
There is no doubt that ongoing turmoil and constant strife in homes threaten family stability and expose children to the risks of homelessness, fragmentation, and loss. Several studies published by Legal Jobs in 2022 in the United States found that almost half of the children in American society eventually witness their parents’ separation. Children of divorce between the ages of 7-14 are 16% more likely to have behavioural problems, twice as likely not to complete high school, and face deteriorating health and psychological conditions. They also struggle four times more in forming or maintaining social relationships and face difficulties in future romantic relationships, with higher divorce rates.
In the Arab context, in an article by Haitham Al-Qabbani in Al-Raya newspaper, lawyer Hassan Abdullah Al-Khouri states that “the cases of disobedience (nushuz) seen by the courts are a serious indicator of the extent of this phenomenon, requiring the concerted efforts of society to reconcile couples and educate them about the duties and rights of both spouses to reduce these cases and the social problems they create for families and children.”
Writer Ahmed Aqab Al-Bab discussed in an article in Qawl Fasl magazine, titled Children of Discord: The Internal Bleeding Between Khula’ and Divorce the rise in separation rates among couples in the Arab world and the resulting parental conflicts over custody, visitation rights, and alimony are accompanied by psychological crises that innocent children suffer from without any fault of their own.
I remember an incident that didn’t happen to me personally but to one of my closest friends, Fatima. We always shared joys and sorrows and exchanged advice. But one day, she came to me with deep sadness in her eyes, as if the world had closed in on her.
Fatima sat in front of me and began to tell her story in a trembling voice, saying, “I can’t believe what’s happening to me. My husband has filed a case of nushuz against me and ordered me to obey him. I’m in shock; I can’t comprehend what’s going on.”
I knew Fatima’s marriage was going through a tough phase, but she had never mentioned that things had reached this point. So I asked her for details, and she started to recount what had happened.
She said, “The problems started several months ago, with my husband becoming increasingly harsh daily. He treated me coldly and got angry over the smallest things. I tried everything possible to fix things, but to no avail. I couldn’t endure any more humiliation and psychological pressure. I kept saying, ‘On one hand, there are the kids, and the maid is away, so I clean, organize, cook, and try to find time for his comfort at all times. But where is my comfort?'”
She then went to her family’s house for a while to calm things down. In the end, he labelled her as disobedient (nashiz). Instead of trying to solve the problems between them, he filed a case of obedience against her. He now ordered her to return home and comply with his demands without any consideration for her feelings or the harm she had endured. I listened to Fatima, feeling anger and sadness for what she was going through.
I suggested that she try to reach an understanding with her husband through counselling sessions with experienced and wise people whom both parties trust. I explained that marital issues require patience and wisdom and that both parties should attempt reconciliation before resorting to courts and legal actions.
Fatima tried to communicate with her husband in the following days through the Family Counseling Center in Qatar (Wifaq). She managed to arrange a discussion session attended by family members. There were many conflicting emotions. Her husband admitted his mistakes and asked her to return under new conditions that preserved her dignity and ensured good treatment. In the end, a solution satisfying both parties was reached.
Nushuz in Language, Sharia, and Law
Linguistically, Ismail Ibn Hammad Al-Jawhari, in his book “Al-Sihah”, defines “nushuz” as “disobedience, refusal, and arrogance, from the word ‘nashz,’ which means something elevated and prominent.” It is also used to describe a discordant note that is out of harmony.
In Islamic Sharia, “nushuz” has two forms: the wife’s disobedience to her husband or the husband’s disobedience to his wife.
Ibn Qudamah, in his book “Al-Mughni”, defines a wife’s “nushuz” as “the wife’s disobedience to her husband in what Allah has obligated her to obey him in.” Allah says in Surah An-Nisa, “…And those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance – [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.”
The reference to striking is intended as a last resort in limited and specific circumstances and a defined manner. After advice and separation in bed, it should be a non-harmful strike. If striking would escalate the situation, it should not be used. The Fiqh Encyclopedia states, “The Malikis, some Shafi’is, and Hanbalis said: he disciplines her by striking her with a siwak or similar, or with a folded handkerchief, or with his hand, but not with a whip, stick, or wooden object, as the purpose is discipline.”
In a narration by Abu Dawood, the Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, initially prohibited striking women before the revelation of this verse, which led some women to become bold against their husbands, causing tension. Iyas bin Abdullah bin Abi Dhubab narrated that the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “Do not beat Allah’s female servants.” Then Omar came to the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him and said: “The women have become bold towards their husbands,” so he permitted striking them. Then many women went around the family of the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, complaining about their husbands, and the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “Many women have gone around Muhammad’s family complaining about their husbands. Those (men) are not the best among you.”
In his farewell sermon, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, advised men to treat women well: “Treat women kindly, for a woman is created from a rib, and the most crooked part of the rib is its uppermost part. If you try to straighten it, you will break it; if you leave it, it remains crooked. So treat women kindly,” narrated by Abu Huraira in Sahih Al-Bukhari.
Regarding the husband’s “nushuz,” Al-Tabari interprets it as “exalting himself over her, turning away from her to another, either out of dislike or hatred.”
Allah says in Surah An-Nisa, “And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them – and settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah – then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted.”
In the case of a husband’s “nushuz,” Islam permits the wife to either appease him by giving up some of her rights or to seek divorce in court for harm while retaining all her rights.
Legally, Article 69 of the Qatari Family Law No. 22 of 2006 defines the wife’s nushuz, which forfeits her right to alimony, as follows: “If she prevents herself from the husband, or refuses to move to the marital home without a legitimate excuse, or if she leaves the marital home without a legitimate excuse, or if she prevents the husband from entering the marital home without a legitimate excuse, or refuses to travel with her husband without a legitimate reason, or travels without his permission, or if she works outside the home without her husband’s consent, unless the husband is unjust in preventing her from working.”
Article 129 of the same law also states that the wife has the right to request separation for harm, even based on hearsay testimony, which means testimony from those who have heard about the discord between them. It states that: “The wife, before or after consummation, has the right to request separation for harm that makes cohabitation with her impossible. The judge must make efforts to reconcile the matter, and if reconciliation is not possible and harm is proven, the judge shall rule for separation. Harm can be proven by evidence, including hearsay testimony.”
Circumstances in which a woman is not obliged to obey her husband and is not considered disobedient include If he orders her to commit a religious or legal violation, if she refuses to cohabit with him due to a physical or psychological reason, if he has not paid her entire dowry, if he burdens her beyond her capacity, if he demands something she fears, if he asks her to live in a house that she does not share solely with her children from him, or if he prevents her from continuing her education, provided she stipulated this in the marriage contract.
It is worth noting that the Moroccan Family Code of 2021 does not explicitly mention the term nushuz, but includes two related terms: discord and harm. The Moroccan law obligates the husband to provide alimony for his wife unless she leaves the marital home and refuses to return. Article 195 states, “Alimony is awarded to the wife from the date the husband stops providing the obligatory support, and it does not lapse over time unless the wife is ordered to return to the marital home and she refuses.”
The same law also grants a woman the right to request separation while retaining all her rights if her husband marries another woman. Article 45 states, “If the court finds during discussions that the wife being married to another cannot continue the marriage and requests a divorce, the court sets an amount to fulfil all the wife’s and their children’s rights, whom the husband is obligated to support. The husband must deposit the specified amount within a period not exceeding seven days. Once the deposit is made, the court issues a divorce decree, which is not subject to any appeal in its part that terminates the marital relationship.”
Article 97 of the same law states: “If reconciliation is impossible and discord continues, the court documents this in a report and rules for separation and entitlements according to Articles 83, 84, and 85 above, considering the responsibility of each spouse for the separation in determining what may be awarded to the other spouse. A decision on the discord case must be issued within six months from the date of the request.”
Reasons for One Spouse’s Nushuz Towards the Other
The amplification of self-centeredness and the demand for rights before fulfilling duties can lead to the other party feeling wronged. This can result in either internalizing these feelings until they become hatred or responding to mistreatment with further mistreatment, escalating the discord and complicating matters.
Another cause of nushuz is a lack of awareness, social intelligence, and poor communication, which can lead both parties into psychological isolation under the same roof, known as silent divorce.
Additionally, conflicts between spouses can be fueled by the intervention of family and friends, whose advice may appear compassionate on the surface. Still, they can cause harm underneath, inciting one party to distrust and rebel against the other.
We cannot overlook the significant role of negative role models promoted by the media through programs and dramatic works that spread misleading ideas and negative stereotypes.
Ways to Address Nushuz
First and foremost, prevention is better than cure. Young people should learn before marriage, and within some school curricula, about the challenges they will face in a complex and intimate relationship with someone who grew up in a different environment and how to treat the other party with kindness and good companionship.
Suppose a conflict arises and nushuz occurs from one of the parties. In that case, the affected party should first suppress their anger, respond to mistreatment with kindness, offer direct advice to the other party, and explain what is bothering them.
Undoubtedly, counselling with a specialist can help mend the rift before it worsens.
Everyone should reconsider life as a whole and their private life with their family to set their priorities based on a realistic view that tries to understand and meet the other party’s needs.
Through all media and social platforms, the media, researchers, and specialists need to refute misleading ideas and negative behaviours that fuel conflicts between spouses.
In a moment of honesty and self-reflection, one should sincerely ask oneself: Would they accept their children being subjected to what they are doing to their partner?
If the answer is no, they should reconsider their actions and not be unjust.
